Destroyer of relationships

This article is well-known by now in the manosphere. Dr. Helen discussed it, then Roissy and Hawaiian Libertarian too. Vox Day reflected on Roissy’s post.

What I want to talk about is in the comments, by Cheyl J:

“When I asked a group of women of varied ages, 20-50 to list 5 adjectives describing men, the first one offered was “needy”. It was met with an enthusiastic round of applause and confirmation in the room.”

If you’re in an LTR or you want one, you should pay attention. What does “needy” mean in this context? If a husband is needy most probably he wants more intimacy. In plain english: he desperately wants to fuck his wife. But she wants none of that. Why is that? Because she is not attracted to him anymore.

“He is needy” means “he begs for sex constantly”. And if we look at the quote above it seems this problem plagues many marriages. This should be a wake up call for opponents of game; do you need a better reason to admit that attraction is important in a marriage too? If it’s gone, not only your sexlife will suffer but probably your wife will take you to the cleaners as well.

There are tons of material on attraction on the web and I don’t want to rewrite them all, so I’ll just mention some ideas:

  • Respect is an important prerequisite of attraction. If your wife loses her respect for you she’ll lose the attraction too. This is very important and has many implications.
  • Women don’t like to be asked if they want sex. If you ask you probably already f*cked up. Tell her what you want, or even better, just do it.
  • Never beg, plead or negotiate for sex. Understand that a woman wants sex when her gina is tingly and begging or negotiating won’t make it so. Your best bet is to be dominant and approach her with a “you know you want to” mentality. Look her in the eyes confidently and playfully mischievously for a few seconds and then kiss her. It might sound awkward or hard if you’re not used to it but it takes only a little practice.
  • Make sure your sex rank is at least the same as her’s, preferably higher. If she thinks she’s “better than you” you’re finished. She has to look up to you (see respect). Don’t be lazy. Work out and continue gaming her.
  • To be reassured that she has chosen well she has to see that other women find you attractive. That you’re interested in other women doesn’t count :) If other women don’t flirt with you or if your wife’s not there to see it then you have to imply it in conversations with her. For example if she accuses you of being interested in other women turn the frame around and tell her you can’t help it that women always chase you. Or “innocently” mention that there was this gal looking at you for quite some time while playing with her hair. Don’t be too direct about it and avoid sounding fake.
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24 Responses to Destroyer of relationships

  1. La Vagina Dentanta says:

    I can’t agree with this because a jealous spouse/partner will get FURIOUS if you flirt with other people or they flirt with you.

    I had a partner once who showered me with affection, appreciation, love, respect and compliments in the beginning. I ate it up and reciprocated by being a sweetheart.

    Once into the relationship he began checking out other women, making comments about them, “negging” me – or making snide remarks about me or my looks, etc.

    I became SO TURNED OFF.

    Why on earth would I want to have sex someone who found OTHER women more sexually attractive than me?

    That right there caused me to lose respect for him and lose complete interest in him as a sexual partner.

    So no, telling me that someone other woman was interested in him was NOT a turn AT ALL.

    You obviously have never dealt with jealousy before…..

  2. Jonathan says:

    You write: “What does “needy” mean in this context? … In plain english: he desperately wants to fuck his wife.”

    I really, really disagree.

    “Needy” means his desire for affection, attention, and sometimes even mothering exceeds his desire to sex her and to lead the relationship.

    A lot of men would do better by playing up their desire for sex while playing down their desire for any other form of attention or affection. But guys are misled by Hollywood into thinking that love and romance and affection is the golden road to the pussy, so they often play it exactly wrong. The truth is, a woman will tolerate a man’s need for affection only if he’s fucked her and led her well enough for her to get her emotional, or if he’s a younger relative or otherwise invokes a maternal response from her in a nonsexual context.

    Otherwise, a man’s desire for affection is repulsive to a woman.

    I’m not saying that men shouldn’t be affectionate at all. I think the right formula for a long term relationship is for the man to be slightly less affectionate than he is sexual, and to make the former contingent on the latter. (For a brief fling, you can drop the affection altogether.)

    The rest of your advice is good, but it will work better if you build it on the right foundation: always valuing sex over affection.

  3. La Vagina Dentanta says:

    Jonathon, you’re right.

    When we women see a man who can’t (or won’t) take care of himself and needs someone ELSE to “mother” him – awwwww HEEEELLLL NO !!!!

    Who was doin’ ur laundry when u was livin alone!?

    LOL

  4. La Vagina Dentanta says:

    “I’m not saying that men shouldn’t be affectionate at all. I think the right formula for a long term relationship is for the man to be slightly less affectionate than he is sexual, and to make the former contingent on the latter.”

    That’s the equivalent of a woman withholding sex, which is EXACTLY what I would do if a man withheld affection from me or made it “contigent” upon sex.

    Wanna make affection contingent on sex? IMPOSSIBLE if SHE makes sex contigent on affection.

    Drop the bullshit games and you just may be able to snag a good woman.

  5. Deansdale says:

    he began checking out other women, making comments about them, “negging” me – or making snide remarks about me or my looks, etc
    You see, these are all signs of him being interested in other women, not the other way around. You misunderstood the whole concept. But I guess I have to thank you because you helped to clarify this to male readers.

    “Needy” means his desire for affection, attention, and sometimes even mothering exceeds his desire to sex her and to lead the relationship.
    Men needing attention and mothering??? This is a touchy-feely feminist nonsense.
    You can hear about sexless marriages every day, most of the times it’s the husband moaning he haven’t had sex for half a year. I’ve never heard any man complaining that his wife doesn’t caress him enough.
    Men want sex but they don’t know how to make it happen. The problem is that they usually beg for it and this begging comes across as “neediness”.
    I think we both say that husbands use the wrong method to try to get into their wives’ pants.

  6. La Vagina Dentata says:

    Deansdale, if I get whiff that another woman is interested in my man – bad news FOR HIM. I guess you never met a jealous woman before.

    Yes, some men expect mothering. They leave dishes in the sink, etc. assuming “someone” will wash them. I never do. Eventually after 3 days with a sink full and no clean dish in the house to eat off of – they get the message.

    That’s what we are talking about when we say “mothering”.

  7. Deansdale says:

    You describe yourself as a very unpleasant person to live with. You’re a high maintenance entitlement princess who use sex as a bargaining tool and is irrationally jealous. Only a fool would want an LTR with a woman like you because he would surely set himself up for a lot of pain and misery.
    I don’t write this to offend you – you seem to be proud of what you are anyways. I’m trying to make a point here to other men.
    Guys, avoid these overgrown spoiled children like the plague. Don’t settle for them. Their pussy is not made of gold; it doesn’t worth all the shit you’d have to put up with to be manipulated by it day by day. I know NAWALT is usually just an excuse but this time it’s true. There are better women out there.

  8. La Vaginia Dentanta says:

    I would rather assert that a grown adult who expects other adults to clean up their messes is “entitled”. Not one that cleans up her own mess!

    Bite.

  9. Mr. Parx says:

    VD: Why would you take another woman’s interest out on your man? Do you see your jealous aggression as an attractive feature, that he will appreciate, or are you saying you do not have control over it? Because if I’m your man and not only are other women attracted to me but you’re giving me grief about it, why am I staying with you?

  10. La Vagina Dentata says:

    If women are attracted to him and he notices it, better he keep that to himself. Just like I wouldn’t rub it in his face how many men hit on me in a day. It’s unneccesary baiting. It can make a partner feel insecure more than “proud”.

  11. Deansdale says:

    Insecurity is good :) Especially when “used against” babes with high self-esteem. This is the basic idea behind the neg. She thinks too much of her own value, let’s make her realize she’s not a goddess.
    Of course we know this stuff won’t work on you LVD because you’re special ;)

  12. La Vagina Dentanta says:

    Insecurity is NOT good. I had a good man break up with me once because he was so jealous and insecure – it burned him from within. And I’ve also done my share of breaking up for the same reason.

    There is not a “one size fits all” formula.

    Jealousy is the worst and ugliest of emotions. It can cause people to commit crimes!

    As you age and deal with more people – you’ll learn.

  13. Deansdale says:

    I had a good man break up with me once because he was so jealous and insecure – it burned him from within.
    That’s not what I’d call a “good man”.

    Jealousy is the worst and ugliest of emotions.
    We agree on this one but then why are you a jealous type?

    As you age and deal with more people – you’ll learn.
    LOL
    What do you think how old I am?

  14. infiniium says:

    What women think (consciously) and what they want (unconsciously) are two different things. What you write here, VD, comes from your conscious mind, and you will never admit that it is not what you want or desire. You wouldn’t be attracted to a man that no other women want.

    And talking about age, you must be very old to write things like these. In this case your advices are not too useful for men who want to date young women.

  15. LVD says:

    If other women want him, that’s THEIR business. Not his – OR mine.

    He feels the same way about guys who want me.

    It’s not nice to rub your partner’s face in poop (or perfume/aftershave), OR to push their buttons.

  16. LVD says:

    Deansdale: We agree on this one but then why are you a jealous type?

    Me: We don’t know if jealousy is hardwired or a social construct. What we do know is that everyone has it.

  17. Deansdale says:

    I’m not a jealous type. I think it can be overcome. If you think about it long enough you’ll realize that you have nothing to gain from it but everything to lose.

  18. Doug1 says:

    Deansdale says:

    @La Vagina Dentenata You describe yourself as a very unpleasant person to live with. You’re a high maintenance entitlement princess who use sex as a bargaining tool and is irrationally jealous. Only a fool would want an LTR with a woman like you because he would surely set himself up for a lot of pain and misery.

    Yeah she’s similarly obnoxious and clueless about how most females actually respond to game stuff over at Revalino’s “Becoming Alpha” blog.

  19. Doug1 says:

    LVD–

    It’s not nice to rub your partner’s face in poop (or perfume/aftershave), OR to push their buttons.

    Game often involves things that feminist especially and chivalrous white knighters think “aren’t nice”. But it works a lot more often than not.

    As with most things in game the right balance is required in subtly demoing that other hot girls are interested in you. If she’s feeling really insecure and you retain lots of hand in the relationship, it would probably be counter productive. If she’s getting too bored and isn’t feeling the sexual attraction enough, it’s good advice. Regardless of what a special snowflake you think you are or how much wisdom you think you have one what works with most women.

  20. La Vagina Dentanta says:

    If my man wants to let me know OTHER women are interested in him, then I’ll let him know that the other women CAN HAVE HIM. Because there is no shortage of men interested in me.

    People who are afraid of fire best stay out of the kitchen.

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  22. Doug1 says:

    LVD–

    You’re a worthless feminist cunt.

  23. LVD says:

    Not.

    I’m evenly fair and equitable.

    Try it.

    You might like it (or not) depending on how your family raised you.

    Mine raised me with honor.

    But then, I’m not a product of dysfunction.

  24. alistair says:

    LVD, my wife and i recently bought a house, and from the first the agent was flirty toward me. my wife trusts me emplicitly and so several times left me with the agent to go back to work while i did the inspection and looked at other listings etc. it thrilled my wife that another woman would find me desirable and never once put any negative connotations on my behaviour, while it seemed to push my wife`s desire for me a little more than usual.

    my wife can tell the difference between a woman`s interest in me and the potential for my interest in another woman, and that allows me to be trusted, which is a powerful feeling for me, as i was married to a woman for 15 years who justified her jealousy by saying i was encouraging the attention.

    and my wife is avery attractive woman who is free in her gesture and manner, which sometimes finds her in uncomfortable situations, which she is well able to handle. am i jealous?

    no.

    she tells me about the situations and her reactions and we both laugh.

    and why would i want a woman that no other man found attractive enough to approach now and then?

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