Mormon Men had an interesting post yesterday which got me thinking about a few things.
“He grew up without an example of real masculinity and manhood and is now in a relationship with a dominant woman similar to his mother. … On top of that, he is with a woman who doesn’t want to be led; or at least says she doesn’t.”
It’s a basic psychological need of people to be in control of themselves and preferably their surroundings too. This makes us feel safe. This is probably why most of us want to be dominant and “us” of course includes women. The problem is that women can’t really respect a man who lets himself be controlled easily. And declining respect means declining attraction. There’s nothing “inherently” wrong with the idea of a woman leading in an LTR but because of her hypergamous instincts she won’t be happy if she’s the boss. Feminists growling grrl power all the time can’t understand this. They want “power” in all shapes and sizes and don’t give a damn about consequences.
Don’t make the mistake of confronting women openly about this question. Of course most of them say they don’t want to be led. But their conscious mind doesn’t know much about hypergamy and also when you say “leadership” they hear “control”. But you know that what you want is not control, but genuine leadership which will make both of you happy.
If she really is dominant and you don’t want power struggles in the relationship, the very least you must do is be in control of yourself. That way you can have the illusion of being equals. There’s no real equality in relationships but the illusion of it is still preferable to obvious female leadership. If you can’t lead her at least don’t let her lead you. Have your own time, things and friends and don’t let her control these. Don’t be apologetic about these. You’re grown up and you make your own decisions about things that concern you.
It’s a lot easier to maintain the role of leader than to regain it. This is bad news for those who have already let their woman control them. Once she starts seeing the relationship like she’s boss and you’re her underling your quest for a happy LTR becomes a hundred times harder.
“Many blogs and bloggers will write about the immediate transformation learning Game will have on their relationships. This was my own personal experience, but it only lasted for a while. Eventually my wife was able to see through all the tricks like negs, aloofness and stoicism and still see that she was able to manipulate me.”
You, my friend, need to learn about frame control. It’s a very weird idea if you never thought about interactions this way. Most human interactions don’t have the struggle for frame control (most of the times it’s preevident whose frame is dominant and also most of the times the frame is of no real importance) but it’s very important in LTRs. I’ll give an example of what it is and why it’s important:
Let’s say she asked you to bring her a strawberry soda from the shop on the corner but you bring her a raspberry one instead. It’s a trivial mistake of no significance. But she starts acting all butthurt and seems to be ready to throw a fit. She says you don’t care about her and whatnot. That is her “frame”. You start laughing. You start laughing hard because the whole situation is so stupid it’s surreal. That is your frame. It’s obvious the two frames are quite different and most probably can’t coexist. It’s either you stop laughing and act like she’s right and start begging for forgiveness, or she will see that you’re right and she’ll start laughing too. Who “wins” is a question of who has a tighter grip on his/her own frame. If you really believe that you did nothing wrong then you will laugh all the way through her tantrum until she “submits”. I did something like this this morning and I think this is one of the best ways to handle a quarrel.
There is a possibility that your woman will insist on her frame despite it being obviously unfounded, stupid and/or worse than yours. You must not yield. You have to have the nerves to take it all the way and act like a man who knows he is right. Ignore her, leave your home for a walk, do whatever it takes just don’t let her “win” when you know you’re the one who’s right. If she clings to a lot of miserable frames I feel sorry for you but you made the wrong choice. You have a world of pain ahead of you if you want to stay with her.
Having a strong humorous frame will help you in a lot of situations from the first minute of flirting to the last minute of your marriage. What you have to do is find real humor in those dodgy situations and “amplify” them a bit if needed (just like with agree&lify). Show her how absurd her frame is. Avoid sounding weird or phony. Don’t try to make fun of things which are not funny. It’s not that hard after a little practice.